Hypocrisy And The Malays

I must admit that even as a woman myself, I find women complicated.  I had a long night out with my girlfriends the other day and I found out that my mind cannot comprehend the fact that there are women who actually cried for failing to grab the latest LV or Prada handbags while on visits overseas.  Or the fact that women can talk about handbags for hours…Believe me, I tried my best to make sense of the importance of the subject but I just couldn’t. 

It’s not that I despise handbags or don’t really care about quality or brands.  I personally love Bonia for its no-nonsense and serious-looking designs and I’m still in love with my Alain Delon which I bought two years ago but I bought them for the sake of practicality and longevity.  And I’m now using a handbag that cost me close to three hundred, of a brand that I’ve never heard of, and it works fine for me. 

I don’t buy things for fashion or status or girly-satisfaction.   If the quality is perfect and it’s practical, any brand or no-brand will do.  Nevertheless, I can’t think of anything else to say about these bags except that they help carry my three year old Carlo Rino wallet (I don’t do purse) and comb.   Not mentioning that I’d rather spend on books than handbags..but between shoes and books…hmm…I’ll think twice because I love shoes.  But I usually choose books because I have other shoes to wear but I can’t read the same book over and over, can I? 

Still, as much as I love shoes, I can’t talk about them for hours, but I surely can do so, about books.

Now, the thing is, I don’t see or do things the way other women do.  For that, my hubby always teases me of being a man in the head but a woman in the heart and I thought of him as vice-versa.   Perhaps that’s how we complete each other and find peace within one another. 

I’m not a romantic person, neither is my partner.  I hate romance novels and love stories.  Since at a very young age, I go for fast, mind-challenging, heart-pumping, complicatedly-twisting novels and movies.   My hubby will go for fast, action-packed, martial arts kind of stories.   I listen to Redfm., Mixfm and Hitz and I love Bon Jovi, MJ and all the energetic songs – slow or fast doesn’t matter.  My hubby listens to Sinarfm and laugh out loud at Salleh Yaacob’s jokes while I try to hide my frown because I don’t get it and it bothers me that my hubby does.    

And this is what I would like to touch on today, which is out of my ordinary that is, ‘love’. (Sorry girls, it’s not about handbag – go write your own blog if you want to talk about handbags hihi..) 

While on the night out, my girlfriends and I took the ‘pleasure’ observing the couples around us and we all agree that the woman that the bald Malay man was holding passionately is not his wife because if she is, then he wouldn’t be holding her like that.  And I’m sure you readers would agree too.

Now, don’t you think that it is bad enough that Malay men are ashamed of showing affection to his wife but it’s even worse that they are proud to do so to other woman?   

For this, men may be the biggest idiot because they not only can’t understand women but they can’t understand themselves too.   Or else, why the hell did a man marry the woman, when he actually wanted to be with this other woman?  

Do you notice that Malay men likes to go for a ‘real muslimah’  a when finding a wife – that is, the down-to-earth, quiet, soft, obedient kind of girl, but as time goes by, and as they mature and see the world, they get bored with the wife and started looking for a lively, funny, outgoing girl to enjoy life with?

So, if a wife is not meant to enjoy life with, then what is she?  A servant?  A furniture? 

This is a problem of Malay mentality, not just men.  Malays are always concerned of others’ perception, even in choosing a life-partner.  Hypocrisy is in the blood of the Malays whereby they don’t even know anymore what they really want or who they really are.   They just do things according to the society’s expectation. 

Since the society has listed a certain criteria of a good wife, so all Malay men just go for it – find a wife that fits the criteria and believe that they will live happily ever after and eventually go to heaven.   ‘Love’ is just a matter of talking.  The society’s happy, he is happy and the hell with the good wife if she’s not happy.  After all, a good wife is supposed to bear the pains and sufferings and be happy only in the afterlife…??!!

The saddest part of it all is that the tiny little brains of these men find it amusing to hurt their wives’ feelings. 

Have you ever watched Malay dramas or movies or listen to Malay radio channel?  Do you notice that the issue, conversation or joke they made mostly revolves around a man’s dream of polygamy?  Disgustingly low, don’t you think?  And I almost puke when I came across a movie titled ‘bini-biniku gangster’ in the newspaper…  

A married man going crazy over other woman and wives fighting over a husband is viewed as funny in our society.  I mean, ewe!  How low can we go?    What about the womens’ pain and sufferings, families divided and torn apart, kids growing up without the father’s full attention and care and a mother who is always sad and depressed....what about all these? 

And how dare these men talk about upholding the sunnah…?? 

My advice to these men, don’t marry a decent, shy woman if you have a taste for an outgoing, lively woman.  Don’t marry a muslimah when you have a taste for a GRO. 

Go marry a GRO in the first place if that’s where your heart belongs.  This way, no woman would be heartbroken and no family will be broken.  You are happy, your GRO wife is happy, so live happily ever after…and you may most probably go to heaven too because you have saved a GRO from the underworld and you didn’t hurt any other woman’s feelings or caused your kids sufferings. 

From a different angle, a muslimah doesn’t have to be stereotype – shy, soft, obedient, quiet and down-to-earth.  Being happy and lively doesn’t make you less muslimah.  Some muslimah may be a little hard-headed, some may be authoritarian in her approach but that’s what makes her human – her differences or uniqueness.  As long as she is not stepping out of the line, a man who claimed to love her should accept her as she is.  

Bear in mind that you can never disrespect and hurt someone you love and find it amusing.  If you can do that to your wife, it means that you don’t love her.  Period.   Do you seriously think you love your wife when you always try to avoid going out together and prefer to be with friends instead of her?   Take a moment to ponder, what is your wife to you?  Do you even respect her?   Do you even care how she feels?

So, it is important to detect ‘love’ before you get married.   Be truly sure that she or he is the one.  Look into your partner’s eyes, and not the wallet or the car or the face or the body to confirm that he or she is the only one that you ever want to spend your life with.  Picture yourself holding each other forever and getting old together.    If you can picture it with a smile, then you have found your true love. 

Allah has stressed that we are all made in pairs so that we may find peace.   I tend to believe that those who don’t find peace with their pairs had actually chosen the wrong one or just, somehow deserved each other. 

A pair means two – if you married more than one woman then it’s not a pair anymore and therefore, there will never be peace upon you.  

Although it’s allowed for men to have more than one wives but don’t ever forget that the permission came with a warning, that is:  if you can’t be fair, you better stick to only one woman.  And the next line goes:  Sesungguhnya kamu tidak akan boleh berlaku adil (You can never, ever be fair!)  So, think about it.. 

Fortunately, not all Malay men are as shallow.  I’m blessed to have met one that isn’t shy to show his affection towards me at anytime as long as it doesn’t cause discomfort and awkwardness among the kids, our friends and public. 

Despite our ups and downs, our differences, and our un-romantic tastes, we always prefer to be with each other than with others.   Only once in a while that we go out separately with our own pack of friends just for the thrill of it and to put some colours to our life.  I may not be a normal kind of woman who understands handbags.  In fact, my hubby chooses all my handbags and dresses because I totally suck at it.  I may be weird, and challenging to be with.  And I am far from a ‘perfect-muslimah-wife’ image, but still our home is heaven. 

So, all men out there…if you think you deserve the respect and fit to be the master of the house, and knows the Quran and sunnahs well, take a long look at your wife and ask, ‘are you happy?’  How concerned are you if she’s not happy or you just don’t give a damn as long as you are happy? 

And all women out there, don’t force yourself to be something that you’re not just to make your husband happy.  If he loves you, he’ll accept you the way you are.  If he doesn’t, he wouldn’t care about you even if you are the most perfect-muslimah-wife type. 

Don’t take it for granted that since you’re already married, you must have loved each other, naturally.  Once in a while, you must search his or her eyes for that same sparks that used to hook you two together once upon a time ago. 

Malay men should learn that it’s not a shame to love your wife but it is shameful to show your disgustingly dirty, shallow and low-class mentality that could not think of anything else but polygamy or infidelity.   Get out of that cheap, simplistic thinking and be more intelligent, please…  Show the world that Malay men are better than what is being portrayed by our entertainment industries… 

Search for ‘peace’ in your partner’s eyes as life is not worth living without that piece of peace.   Should one day the peace somehow faded away and you found peace in somebody else’s eyes, with all due respect just be honest and don’t ever live a lie..  Wash out the hypocrisy in our blood, it’s not Islamic to live a lie, anyway….  For God’s sake, make your life worth living that it’s worth dying for.